practice scene for NaNo

Because let's face it - the Role-Playing aspect didn't exactly take off

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Lady K
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practice scene for NaNo

#1 Post by Lady K » Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:19 pm

This is a test scene for my NaNo project this year. It's going to take place, but will be from a different perspective. I tried writing it from the antagonist's perspective just for fun, and to see how it came out. I like it. Maybe you will too.


The room was dark, shadows slipping over the walls as the light from passing cars bled through the tightly drawn curtains. A man sat calmly in the corner, staring at the entryway. He was tall and lean, his long legs splayed carelessly in front of the overstuffed chair. His dark red hair was a messy mop around his face, though it didn't do much to conceal the thick scar that ran across the right side of his face. He was dressed in a pair of dark jeans, a color that blended well with the spattered blood that covered much of the material. His shirt was surprisingly clean, a pure white color that clashed wildly with his blood soaked pants. In his lap lay a baseball bat, his hands caressing the polished wood lovingly.

When he heard the key turning in the lock, his whole demeanor changed. He sat up, excited that she was finally home. His hand gripped the bat and swung it off his lap to hang next to his leg. His playful smile turned dark, the malice in his eyes bleeding down to cover his face. He watched in silence as she struggled at the door, trying not to drop her parcels as she jiggled her key out of the lock. With a frustrated growl she finally jerked it out of the door and kicked it shut, turning to head into the kitchen.

He cleared his throat, knocking the bat against his leg. Rachel froze, the noise startling her enough to drop her keys. Her head snapped in his direction and he waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. His smile widened as he watched the tension flow from her body when she realized it was him. She sighed with relief and leaned down to pick up her fallen keys.

"Victor, what are you doing sitting in the dark? Do you have any idea how creepy that is?" She smiled at him teasingly as he stood up without saying a word, lightly tapping his leg with the bat. Rachel's smile faded as her eyes drank in the vision of him standing there, bat in hand. A car passed by outside and the brief illumination in the room highlighted the dark red stains on his jeans. He watched gleefully as her face lit up with fear and she took an involuntary step back.

Rachel looked around, hoping in vain that someone else was in the house, but there was no one. Just him. Just her. "Is...is everything alright, Vic?..." she said, her voice trailing off as he hefted the bat up, letting it lie carelessly over his shoulder. Victor waited another few moments, relishing the fear that was emanating from her still form. Eyes narrowing, he leaned forward and whispered just one word.

"Run."

Rachel didn't even hesitate. Dropping everything in her hands, she shot towards the kitchen. Victor followed her, calmly, a chuckle in his voice. He kicked aside her bags, for no reason other than to hear the objects slam into the wall. The loud noises elicited a startled gasp from the kitchen and he snickered. She was such easy prey, even a little noise had her whimpering like a little girl. He couldn't wait to hear the sound of the bat cracking against her body.

He rounded the corner, peering into the kitchen. Rachel was nowhere in sight, but the stench of her panic coated his mind like syrup. She was still here, he just had to find her. Victor gave a little jump as he entered the room, his feet landing on the tiled floor with a solid thump. He thought the noise would be enough to make her squeak, but he was pleasantly surprised to find that the room remained silent. Even better. The chase was the best part, after all.

"Whassamatta, hotstuff? I thought ya liked games," he said, a devious laugh accompanying his words. He heard a slight creak from the floor. Aha. She was crouched on the other side of the island that stood in the center of the room. He smiled to himself as he pictured what she must look like, huddled behind the counter, twitching and trying to hold her breath. He hoped that she had grabbed a weapon. It was always more fun when they fought back. The thought of her sitting there awkwardly holding a little kitchen knife in her hands made him giggle hysterically.

He heard the sharp intake of breath and he decided it was time to tease the mouse out of hiding. He swept the bat across the top of the island, a bowl of fruit skittering off the counter and onto the floor with a loud crash. As he expected, Rachel leapt up from her hiding place and turned to face him, a sort of feigned courage playing on her features. She was indeed clutching a butcher knife and he flashed her a toothy grin as he noticed it. He watched the courage drain away, replaced by dismay as she realized that he was not a touch afraid of her little weapon.

"You..you get away from me. I've already called the police!" He smirked at her and pulled the bat up to his shoulder again. "You've done no such thing, princess," he drawled, giving her a malicious wink.

"An even if ya had, they wouldn' get here in time, lovey." Her face blanched as he swung the bat her way. He noted with amusement that part of her must not have actually expected him to hit her, because she stood completely still, frozen in shock as the bat came whistling towards her. The bat connected with the hand that held the knife, sending it flying across the kitchen. She yanked her hand away, pressing it to her chest and whimpering in pain. He hadn't put much force into the swing; she'd only gotten a taste of the pain he was planning to inflict on her tonight.

Rachel spun and rocketed out of the room and this time Victor decided to give her a real chase. When she glanced back, he was hot on her trail and she gave a delightful little scream that sent waves of pleasure down his spine. He slammed the bat into a wall close to her head and was rewarded with another scream as she lost her footing and tumbled forward, her arms shooting out to catch herself. Victor paused over her body, cocking his head at her when she looked back at him, expecting him to bring the bat down onto her back.

"S'not any fun if ya fall, Rach. Get up. Gimme a real chase."

Rachel needed no other encouragement. She scrambled to her feet, kicking her shoes off and heading back towards the entryway. She reached the front door, her hands shaking as she tried to unlock it.

"C'mon Rach! You know doors to freedom never open when you're bein' chased by a maniac!" He moved quickly towards her as she looked back to see where he was. Rachel squealed in terror, ducking to the left just as the bat crashed into the door, splintering the wood. She turned and flew up the stairs, berating herself as she did so, knowing there would definitely be no way to safely escape him once she went up another floor.

As she was about to clear the landing to the second floor, Victor swung the bat at her ankles, knocking her legs out from under her. Rachel fell forward again, her face smacking into the wooden floor. Her hands moved quickly as she tried to regain balance and she pulled herself up long enough for him to swing the bat into her back. Rachel yelled and crashed into the wall facing the stairs, her hands moving out to brace herself from the impact. Victor watched as she turned to face him, fear replaced with resignation. She knew she had nowhere to go, and it was only a matter of time before she was down for the count.

"Ah. No fun, Rach. Givin' up is for wusses and little girls!" He paused for a moment, and poked her in the chest with the end of the bat. "Oh, that's right. You are a little girl." Her face crumpled and she slid to the floor, a sob escaping from her throat.

"Bah, who am I kiddin'? This part's fun too." And with that, he yanked the bat back and slammed it back down, the wood connecting with her thigh with a sickening crack. Rachel recoiled, jerking her leg back to her body with an anguished cry. He watched amused as she stared up at him with tears in her eyes, her hands delicately placed over her thigh, as though they would further defend it against another blow.

"I don't understand, Vic. Why are you doing this?!" He snickered and crouched down next to her, reaching out to caress her face. She tried to jerk away from his touch, but he grabbed her chin roughly and rubbed a thumb over her cheek.

"Why? How about why not?" Confusion clouded her face as he stood up, cracking his neck. He smiled wickedly down at her before speaking again.

"I just wanted to play tag, darlin'."

He swung the bat one more time, aiming for her face.
And now I have to pay the price to go on living.

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v4lor
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#2 Post by v4lor » Mon Sep 26, 2011 10:24 pm

Cliffhangers are mean.

Jebryath
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#3 Post by Jebryath » Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:46 am

You only have one kind of sentence, the kind that has a comma and goes on for a long time, maybe encompassing multiple thoughts, before drifting towards a conclusion. This can make it, sometimes, a little bit harder to read than people would prefer for it to be, or so I've been taught and told in the past. I know that they're tempting, because you want to capture every little detail, but the tempo has to change every once in a while or people just get lost. Besides, the kind of person who reads is the kind of person who can fill in a few details on his or her own, picturing scenes without being actually told every little bit of it.
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Lady K
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#4 Post by Lady K » Tue Sep 27, 2011 3:18 am

Thanks for the criticism. ^.^

However, we've had this conversation before, and I'm not really writing for other people, I'm writing for myself. I'm describing things as I see it in my mind. I'm not particularly concerned about other people seeing it their own way at this point. Most of what I'm writing is meant to be a form of therapy.

I guess since this is the case, I can stop posting excerpts here. :P I just felt like sharing something I enjoyed writing, but if it's tiresome for people to read, obvs that sucks.
And now I have to pay the price to go on living.

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Demyra
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#5 Post by Demyra » Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:53 pm

Actually I was enjoying it. I was a little pissed off that it wrapped up so quick too. Wanna read the full thing. :p

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Lady K
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Re: practice scene for NaNo

#6 Post by Lady K » Wed Jul 19, 2017 2:32 am

Considering I apparently wrote this about 7 years ago and have zero memory of it... I honestly have no idea what I intended to do with it. The worst part is that whatever project it was part of is probably not backed up and is on a laptop that I no longer am able to get working... my brief reading of it does make me shudder, and I realize how much Jeb was right about me being too wordy and detailed. I have some mild memories kicking back in concerning what it might have been for, and if it's what I think it's for, I have been toying with writing it again, so who knows.

Of course, you posted almost a year ago, and you're mostly likely no longer around and don't care! However, I do really appreciate the nice comments :) I've had a rough few years with my writing, thanks to a super awesome ex-girlfriend that annihilated my fragile writing ego, but I've been wanting to get back into it. :)
And now I have to pay the price to go on living.

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Re: practice scene for NaNo

#7 Post by Skullkrusher » Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:27 am

We never die.
<i>Oh and if you had any charisma, you'd start jerkin it right in the middle of the song and break your guitar of your teachers face at the end</i> - thewarriors26

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