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Because let's face it - the Role-Playing aspect didn't exactly take off

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Lady K
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#1 Post by Lady K » Sun Sep 18, 2011 2:09 am

Kyle spied a door in the back of the room. She hoped it was a bathroom. She jumped up from the cot and pushed the door open, pleased to find a rather large dormitory styled shower room. Without even thinking she walked in and began stripping off the clothes she'd woken up in, forgetting to close the door behind her. She turned the water on and wandered over to the sink while she waited for it to warm up. She leaned over the basin, placing her hands on either side.

Darren walked into the med room and started to panic as he found it empty. He heard the water running in the shower an prayed that she was just cleaning up. He moved towards the bathroom, his steps quick, but silent. Kyle was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't notice him slip into the room. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw that she was bent over the sink, completely naked. His breath caught in his throat as his eyes roamed over the pale perfection of her backside. He growled low in his throat as his felt his cock harden.

Kyle's head jerked up at the sound of his voice. She saw Darren standing in the doorway, shirtless, with a feral look in his eyes. She felt a rush of heat between her legs and in seconds the look on his face was mirrored in her own. She turned away from the mirror to look at him, her eyes drinking in the beauty of his muscled body. She glanced down and saw that she wasn't the only one aroused. She shifted slightly as she felt a warm wetness between her thighs.

She felt her breathing stop as he slid his shorts down, oh so slowly. She watched wide eyed as he stalked over to her, steps slow and deliberate, and settled his hands on her hips. Kyle felt the length of him brush against her body, and a low moan escaped her lips. It was all the invitation Darren needed. Without so much as a word he parted her legs and drove himself into her with one deep thrust. Her hands clenched the sides of the sink tightly, her body tensing as he forced his way inside her. When he was fully buried into her body he leaned over and bit her earlobe, his breath warm against her face.

"Are you ready for this, kos'kumi?" he whispered softly, pushing his hips against her ass. She tried to answer but all that came from her mouth was a whimper.

His right hand moved up her back, slowly, raising hairs across her skin and sending a shiver down her spine. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked her head back so he could see her face. A flash of pain ran across her face, quickly replaced by pleasure as he began to slowly pull out of her tight pussy. Another whimper from Kyle as he pulled himself nearly all the way out and stood there, staring at her, waiting.

Kyle's face melted into a sullen pout. "Please?..."

Darren cocked his head at her playfully. "What do you want, star?"

"You. Just you." She'd barely finished her sentence when Darren began thrusting into her, fast and deep. Each time he drove into her body, he tugged her head back, just enough to illicit another moan. It was all Kyle could do to keep standing as he penetrated her with his fast and fierce strokes. He watched her face intently, daring her to ask him to stop. Before too long the heat in her belly started to pulse and she found herself pushing herself back to meet his thrusts, building the fire inside her body all the quicker. With a primal scream, she climaxed, body clenching tightly around Darren's cock as her warm juices flowed down her legs.

Darren slowed his thrusts, steadying her body with his hands, a look of pleasure spread across his face. Several shallow breaths later, Kyle looked up into the mirror at him with an evil glint in her eyes. She pushed herself away from the sink and he slid out of her body, cock still painfully hard. He looked confused for a moment, but she stalked over to him and pushed him backwards to the shower stall that had been forgotten in their sexual frenzy. He grinned down at her, pleased at the direction this was taking.

When he was standing under the hot spray, she began to kiss and lick over his skin, paying extra attention to his hard nipples as she worked her way down. When she got to his hips, she bit him playfully, staring up at him with that pleading look in her eyes. His stomach tightened and he ran a hand through her hair.

"Anything you want, star. Take me."

She kneeled at his feet, smiling up at him before she took the length of him into her mouth. She moved a hand to cup his balls gently, rolling them softly with her fingers. Kyle slid him in and out of her throat expertly, her tongue dragging across every inch of his smooth flesh, paying special attention to the head of his cock. She turned her face up to stare at him, oblivious to the scalding water raining down on her face, relishing the pleasure written across his features. His hands twined in her hair, pulling tight as she bit down gently, a low growl escaping her throat. He stared down at her, his eyes wild, unable to take the sweet torture of her tongue a second longer. He rocked his hips into her face, forcing his cock deeper into her throat.

Kyle found her lips pressing to his hips as he pushed himself all the way into her. She felt his hands tighten in her hair and a yell ripped from his body as he came, hot liquid shooting down her throat. Kyle latched onto him tighter, sucking harder, trying to empty his body into her. He moaned again, pressing his hips into her mouth once more. Satisfied that she'd drunk every drop, she slid her mouth off of him slowly, running her lips over his cock playfully.

Darren leaned back against the wall of the shower stall, trying to catch his breath. Kyle smiled up at him playfully before getting up and walking out of the room, chuckling to herself.
And now I have to pay the price to go on living.

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#2 Post by Jebryath » Sun Sep 18, 2011 4:00 am

Biting is terrifying.
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#3 Post by Psychochild » Sun Sep 18, 2011 3:31 pm

Jebryath wrote:Biting is terrifying.
Shut up. Batin'.
Last edited by Psychochild on Mon Sep 19, 2011 12:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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#4 Post by ggs, g2g » Sun Sep 18, 2011 5:58 pm

Smut fiction?

Hmm. Will read it sometime. ...eventually.

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#5 Post by Andy » Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:40 am

I guess this is what happens when enough women join one forum.
War were declared.

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#6 Post by ggs, g2g » Mon Oct 17, 2011 12:05 pm

Alright, let's see what you got.
He growled low in his throat as his felt his cock harden.
Had to pause right there. Maybe it's just me but I would've described getting an erection with some subtlety. Basically I only use wording like that when it's necessary for the scene. You're literally putting the image of his dick getting hard in the reader's head, but so far he's still dressed, and it shouldn't really have any impact in the scene because she isn't even aware of his presence, much less <i>making</i> him hard.

I hate telling other writers exactly what to write, but in such a situation I think it's more appropriate to keep it vague. Not to mention I find it awkward a dude getting hard just from staring at a naked woman.
with a feral look in his eyes.
A 'feral' look? Why? Am I missing something, why does looking at her naked body have such an impact on him?
She felt a rush of heat between her legs and in seconds the look on his face was mirrored in her own. She turned away from the mirror to look at him, her eyes drinking in the beauty of his muscled body.
I find a similar problem here. Is staring at a muscled body that much of an aphrodisiac that you'd get moist and with a 'feral' look in your eyes too? It just doesn't make sense to me. I really don't like telling you what to write, but similarily I'd keep it vague. Like, biting her lip, bringing a hand up to her chest absently. You know, a visual cue, a reaction you can actually picture the character doing rather than immediately throw an image of her genitals into the reader's head. It sounds... lazy, somewhat. Maybe it's just me.
Without so much as a word he parted her legs and drove himself into her with one deep thrust. Her hands clenched the sides of the sink tightly, her body tensing as he forced his way inside her. When he was fully buried into her body he leaned over and bit her earlobe, his breath warm against her face.
Don't think all I have is negative feedback, I really liked the narrative here. It's perfectly described and started getting me into the mood.
"Are you ready for this, kos'kumi?"
Wait, what? No; that broke the mood immediately. Just asking this way had been enough to do that, to be frank, but 'kos'kumi' -- the hell does that mean? I googled it, couldn't find anything that's remotely related with the scene.

Further, why bother asking? He's already penetraded her. Surely off the top of his head he could've blurted something else more appropriate. Or even better, he should've just skipped to biting her ear without a word.
he began to slowly pull out of her tight pussy.
Oh come on, now. That was kind of embarrassing to read. I nearly facepalmed at 'tight pussy', it just sounds incredibly vulgar, but again, maybe that's just me. The word 'pussy' never striked me as appropriate in any conversation anyway, much less smut fiction. Here is where I'd suggest anything else that doesn't sound so... uh, I dunno. Juvenile, I guess. Personally I prefer subtlety as I'd mentioned - but even when it's necessary to get explicit, there has to be some restraint with how you write it in matter of words and terms.
Another whimper from Kyle as he pulled himself nearly all the way out and stood there, staring at her, waiting.

Kyle's face melted into a sullen pout. "Please?..."
Hee, that's cute. I love when the guy teases the girl. It's both endearing and sensual.
Darren cocked his head at her playfully. "What do you want, star?"
S..tar. Again -- what? This is awfully distracting, I have to assume it's a pet name for her but these characters are essentially non-characters, their personalities and/or backstories haven't been established at all, so pulling a pet name like that out of the blue is nothing short of meaningless, and therefore distracting to anyone paying attention. Without making the reader emotionally invested with the characters to understand why he's calling her 'star' it's just gonna suck the mood out of the scene again.

In short, pet/nicknames should be left out of sex scenes unless we know why they exist, and what impact they have on the characters. For that matter, I think names should be left out entirely when there's literally no story to speak of. Unless it's a couple of same sex/appearance, or it's an orgy of three or more people. What, it just seems perfectly logical to me.


The rest of the narrative is met with several of the same complaints I would raise in specifics, but basically I find your vocabulary lacking for this kind of scene, and the characters are awkward. As a whole, it just didn't flow naturally and any arousal I got from reading it was almost immediately kicked away by either a specific word or a whole phrase altogether.

It was just unsatisfying to read. I mean, at some points you got the narrative right, but most of the time it sounds awkward and embarrassing.

Incidentally, if you're interested in hearing some specific suggestions I guess I could write a few.

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#7 Post by Lady K » Mon Oct 17, 2011 2:54 pm

Well, damn. Even though most of what you said was pretty negative, it was actually interesting to have someone dissect it so.

This piece is actually an alternate scene in something that I'm writing. It was meant purely for entertainment value, and does actually come from a larger universe of writing. The word kos'kumi is part of a made up language - hence why you couldn't find it's meaning anywhere. Sorry for that! But yeah, I didn't really put a whole lot of thought into this - I pretty much just wrote it because a few people requested an alternate sexy scene of the real one.

If you have suggestions for different phrasing or whatever, I'm totally game. This isn't a real scene, but I do write sex into my work, so I'm interested in your critiques. ^.^
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#8 Post by ggs, g2g » Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:12 pm

Wonderful, I'm glad you appreciate the dissection. Hmm... I'm just gonna quote parts and rewrite them, then.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw that she was bent over the sink, completely naked. His breath caught in his throat as his eyes roamed over the pale perfection of her backside. He growled low in his throat as his felt his cock harden.
He stopped dead in his tracks the instant he saw her, bent over the sink without a single piece of clothing. Before he could register it, his eyes wandered over the details of her pale backside from top to bottom -- her hair still somewhat messy barely reaching past her shoulders, the underside of her breasts peeking slightly into view through the arm pits, and as she shifted the weight of her body to one side, her hips curved in a subtle motion that accentuated her firm buttocks. He swallowed dryly at the sight, but part of him under his clothes began responding a bit more honestly than that. A low growl slipped his throat, as if something was caught in it.
Kyle's head jerked up at the sound of his voice. She saw Darren standing in the doorway, shirtless, with a feral look in his eyes. She felt a rush of heat between her legs and in seconds the look on his face was mirrored in her own. She turned away from the mirror to look at him, her eyes drinking in the beauty of his muscled body. She glanced down and saw that she wasn't the only one aroused. She shifted slightly as she felt a warm wetness between her thighs.
Kyle's head jerked up a bit at the sound of his voice and looked over her shoulder. She began to turn slowly, staring at Darren standing in the doorway, and faced him. He was shirtless, musing her figure, and looking slightly uncomfortable where he stood. She admitted to herself that in her absent thinking, she's somehow forgotten about him, and his muscled body pierced through once again as he stood there in plain sight. Her eyes drank in the unique aesthetics of his every muscle linking with eachother, and as if he consciously could perceive where she exactly focused on, tensed some of the muscles of his torso absently. Her arm pushed up against her breasts with her fingertips brushing on the other arm a bit, and her lips parted slightly, letting out her breath silently.

In the back of her head, she cursed at how easily he turned her on, but those thoughts felt so distant and insignificant now that she just hoped he'd come closer. Her knees quivered a little and pressed against eachother, and her hips tensed as a warm feeling slowly crept over her. Her eyes were drawn downward to his shorts and she bit her lip at the thought of what lay underneath.
She felt her breathing stop as he slid his shorts down, oh so slowly. She watched wide eyed as he stalked over to her, steps slow and deliberate, and settled his hands on her hips. Kyle felt the length of him brush against her body, and a low moan escaped her lips. It was all the invitation Darren needed. Without so much as a word he parted her legs and drove himself into her with one deep thrust. Her hands clenched the sides of the sink tightly, her body tensing as he forced his way inside her. When he was fully buried into her body he leaned over and bit her earlobe, his breath warm against her face.
Darren pulled his shorts down, though somewhat slowly. Her breath stopped briefly at the sight, her wide open eyes wandering over his body once more as he stalked over to her, steps slow and deliberate. She faced the basin again, biting her lip and let him settle his hands on her hips. She sighed at the warm feel of his length pressed against her buttocks, and as he leaned in closer, it throbbed eagerly against her skin. A quiet moan escaped her lips as he gently cleared her hair out of the way and breathed warmly into her neck before kissing it, and carefully dragged a bit of his tongue over to her ear. He pulled her hips back and parted her buttocks before burrowing into her core deeply. His firm hands groped her buttocks briefly, biting her earlobe and breathed warm air onto her skin once more. Her body squirmed a little and she huffed audibly with delight, letting her hands rest on the edge of the basin again.

Kyle bit her lip as he dragged a hand up her back, raising hairs and sending a shiver down her spine before grabbing a fistful of her hair and yanked her head back to see her face. She blurted a pained moan, but closed her eyes in delight as he slowly pulled out of her. He mused her bothered expression and drew a small devilish smirk, as if waiting for something. Her eyes turned over to him but they felt heavy and she frowned, sighing.

"Please...?" she uttered with a sullen pout, pushing her butt against him, hoping to slip his shaft back in.

Darren cocked his head at her playfully. "What do you want?" he asked with a quiet voice.
"You. Just you." She'd barely finished her sentence when Darren began thrusting into her, fast and deep. Each time he drove into her body, he tugged her head back, just enough to illicit another moan. It was all Kyle could do to keep standing as he penetrated her with his fast and fierce strokes. He watched her face intently, daring her to ask him to stop. Before too long the heat in her belly started to pulse and she found herself pushing herself back to meet his thrusts, building the fire inside her body all the quicker. With a primal scream, she climaxed, body clenching tightly around Darren's cock as her warm juices flowed down her legs.
"You. Just you--" She'd barely finished her sentence when Darren began thrusting deeply into her, and fast, Kyle breaking her sentence with an audible gasp. She gripped the basin firmly to keep her balance, Darren gradually becoming more relentless, tugging her head back with each time he drove into her body, enough to illicit another moan. He watched her face intently, daring her to ask him to stop his fierce strokes, drilling quickly into her, repeatedly pushing his hips into her buttocks. She could feel the heat within her starting to pulse, and her heart pounded faster with ecstasy, and with each thrust she was inherently compelled to press herself against rhythmically. The fire in her core made her chest feel heavy and it forced her voice to blurt out pleasured moans till she climaxed with a primal scream. Her walls clenched tightly around Darren's cock as her warm juices flowed down her slightly trembling legs.
She kneeled at his feet, smiling up at him before she took the length of him into her mouth. She moved a hand to cup his balls gently, rolling them softly with her fingers. Kyle slid him in and out of her throat expertly, her tongue dragging across every inch of his smooth flesh, paying special attention to the head of his cock. She turned her face up to stare at him, oblivious to the scalding water raining down on her face, relishing the pleasure written across his features. His hands twined in her hair, pulling tight as she bit down gently, a low growl escaping her throat. He stared down at her, his eyes wild, unable to take the sweet torture of her tongue a second longer. He rocked his hips into her face, forcing his cock deeper into her throat.
She knelt at his feet, drawing a wicked little smile up at him before dragging her tongue painfully slowly from the base of his cock all the way to the tip and finally took his length into her mouth. A hand still rested at his hip as she took another to caress his balls attentively, rolling them softly with her fingers. Kyle slid him in and out of her throat expertly, her tongue dragging across every inch of his smooth flesh, paying special attention to the head of his cock. She briefly turned her face up to stare at him, despite the scalding water showering upon her, relishing the pleasure written across his features. His hands twined in her hair, pulling as she bit down gently, a low growl escaping her thoat. He stared down at her, unable to take the sweet torture of her tongue -- curling and dragging around the entirety his shaft lovingly -- a second longer, moaning quietly. His hands firmly gripped her head and he rocked his hips into her face, forcing his cock deeper into her throat.
Kyle found her lips pressing to his hips as he pushed himself all the way into her. She felt his hands tighten in her hair and a yell ripped from his body as he came, hot liquid shooting down her throat. Kyle latched onto him tighter, sucking harder, trying to empty his body into her. He moaned again, pressing his hips into her mouth once more. Satisfied that she'd drunk every drop, she slid her mouth off of him slowly, running her lips over his cock playfully.

Darren leaned back against the wall of the shower stall, trying to catch his breath. Kyle smiled up at him playfully before getting up and walking out of the room, chuckling to herself.
Kyle found her lips pressing to his crotch as he pushed himself all way way into her. She loved the feel of his hands holding her head down, and she sucked him hard, urging him to cum. He suppressed another moan as he climaxed and he could feel the muscles in her mouth and throat move and struggle to contain the hot fluid everytime she swallowed. He moved his hand a little, almost absently, as if to pet her while his whole pelvis still tensed with delight. Finally she was able to slid her mouth off of him slowly, and ran her lips softly over his cock, brushing the tip of her tongue over its surface playfully.

Darren leaned back against the wall of the shower stall, trying to catch his breath. Kyle smiled up at him before seductively getting up, teasing him with her breasts and hardened nipples brush against his body on the way up and without a moment's notice, she casually walked out of the room, chuckling to herself.

---------------------

So there you have it, how I would've written this sex scene. Let me know what you think.

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#9 Post by Lady K » Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:41 pm

I have no idea why, but the fact that you rewrote my stuff is making me blush really hard. Gonna have to try reading it later. >.>
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#10 Post by Jebryath » Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:43 pm

Writing jam + sex fiction = Sex Jam?

PHOTOSHOPPIN' TIME. LET'S GET MICHAEL JORDAN IN ON THIS SHIT.
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#11 Post by ggs, g2g » Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:54 pm

Haha. Take your time.
Last edited by ggs, g2g on Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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#12 Post by Lady K » Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:04 pm

Jebryath wrote:Writing jam + sex fiction = Sex Jam?

PHOTOSHOPPIN' TIME. LET'S GET MICHAEL JORDAN IN ON THIS SHIT.

IF YOU'RE HORNY LET'S DO IT, RIDE IT, MY PONY, MY SADDLE'S WAITIN, COME AN JUMP ON IT
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#13 Post by Jebryath » Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:30 pm

wtf is this shit

GIRLS CAN'T BE BRONIES
You're beautiful as you say the words.
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#14 Post by Lady K » Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:36 pm

My strap-on says otherwise.
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#15 Post by ggs, g2g » Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:58 pm

I'm ok with this.

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#16 Post by Andy » Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:12 am

Image


To the jam, all in your face
What's up, just feel the bass
Drop it, rock it, down the room
Shake it, quake it, space kaboom
Just work that body, work that body
Make sure you don't hurt nobody
Get wild and lose your mind
Take this thing into overtime
Last edited by Andy on Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
War were declared.

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#17 Post by Lady K » Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:15 am

You win the internet, Andy.
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#18 Post by ggs, g2g » Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:23 am

*right-click > AdBlock Plus: Block Image...*

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#19 Post by Jebryath » Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:41 am

BOOM-SHUK-A-LUKA
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#20 Post by ggs, g2g » Sun Oct 30, 2011 11:15 am

You know, when I said take your time, I didn't mean that long.

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#21 Post by Lady K » Sun Oct 30, 2011 5:06 pm

Sorry 'bout that. I kind of forget about it. ^.^;; I'll read it!
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#23 Post by Patriotsbj » Thu Oct 19, 2017 4:07 am

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