Abyss *remastered* o.O

Because let's face it - the Role-Playing aspect didn't exactly take off

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key
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Abyss *remastered* o.O

#1 Post by key » Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:16 am

Alright, few of you remember my failed attempt at a story from about 2 years ago I think o.O? Not sure, and truthfully don't care.

So it's round two and abyss is back in action. We're gonna do this stuff right this time and now its time to GSD(Get Shit Done!!!1111!)

Couple things I'd like to impart, I am by no means a "good" writer. Truth be told, I'm pretty damn god awful at it. As far as I can tell, I have absolutely not talent, and lack the intensity needed to make up for it with practice. However, I do very much so enjoy writing and creating my own stories is something that has always fascinated me.

If you wish to comment, don't bother saying anything about the spelling or grammar, because I know it's gonna be horrible and in truth, I'm not gonna pay any attention to those comments. It's a rough draft friends, take it as thus.
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Abyss
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Prologue

What people say about me and what people think of me... to think I actually used to think such small things were important. Not to say they were thinking anything bad. Ha Ha, no my friend, nothing bad at all. In fact, I was one of the most respected individuals in that happy little town that I called home. You see, I was somewhat of a fixer. If ever there were a problem, I'd be the one they would call. Now I wasn't perfect at my job, but for the most part I was decent. Just little problems, such as a faulty sink or maybe if the tv was on the fritz. Now I'm not saying my nose was completely clean and that once in a while I didn't partake in my share of dirty dealings, but, in truth, who hasn't. If, hypothetically, someone needed to collect on a debt that was owed, I'd give them a hand. Giving them a hand... isn't that the neighborly thing to do?

Now, I know you're all curious. "Hey mister, why are you talking in the past? Did something happen?" Well young master and the rest of my attentive audience, allow me to recite my story. Nothing quiet as spine chilling as a murder mystery or some fantasy land filled with monsters and ghouls in a child's story book (but it may very well belong there). This story of mine... well more of a biography really isn't anything quiet so pleasant I'm afraid, but hey, I'll let you pass judgment for yourself. If I may quote from some of the brightest minds: "It all began on a warm summer afternoon..."
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Chapter 1 - A little too bright.
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I'll leave it that for now. I'd appreciate a couple comments if you'd be so kind, try to be constructive w/o being an ass if you can, but if you can't then... it may be better for you to not say anything at all.
Last edited by key on Tue Nov 17, 2009 1:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Jebryath
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#2 Post by Jebryath » Fri Oct 30, 2009 1:25 am

Remind me to post something.
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#3 Post by key » Fri Oct 30, 2009 2:01 am

^ will do :D
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#4 Post by Jebryath » Sat Oct 31, 2009 12:47 am

The first paragraph is good. You get to see a bit about the narrator's character. It seems an awful lot like he's just telling us about himself, though, which is seldom as interesting as showing us anything.

The second paragraph is not interesting. Usually, this sort of thing works better if you have someone in mind who the narrator is talking to. It sounds more like a guy who rambles right now than somebody who's anticipating interruptions.

Guess I didn't have much to say.
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#5 Post by key » Tue Nov 17, 2009 1:27 am

Yeah, sorry it took a while to get up chapter 1 for all 3 of you who actually read the prologue. I am however working on it and I just wanted to give you what I have so far for chapter 1. Not completely finished with it though but here's just a taste...

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Chapter 1 - A little too bright.
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I.

The sweat rolling off my body formed a small puddle around my feet. They say it only reached 95 that day, but from where I stood, I'd say 110 at the least.

I'd spent the first half of that Saturday listening to the constant buzz of a fly as it made its rounds throughout my house. All the while wondering if it could get any hotter and not at all sure that I wanted to know.

At around noon I received a call from Frank Mason. Frank could be called the "financial backbone" of Tenne, our happy little town. In my opinion however, he was nothing more than a loan shark with a drinking problem and a life-long subscription to rage-aholics anonymous. They say one night he got drunk and went on a rampage, destroying half of the local pub. Some claim it took ten cops to finally bring him down. Well, you know how rumors get.

As I spoke to Frank, he sounded urgent and not all too happy. As far as I could tell, someone, or something had put Frank in a wrong state of mind, and he hoped that I could put said offender in their place; for a modest fee, of course.

In spite of the heat, or possibly because of it, I decided to indulge Frank and to pay him a visit in person to receive more information.

Fifteen minutes later, I stood on Franks porch, dressed in blue jeans, a light blue tee, and a pair of white sneakers. Completely avoiding the dark side of the spectrum out of fear of heat stroke. It felt like an eternity as I stood at the door. As the sun blazed down on the back of my neck, turning it a bright shade of red that almost seemed to glow, I wondered: how many people have stood in this same spot, their backs against the metaphorical wall with no where to turn except to this man? This man who would welcome them and gladly accept their request. However, how many of them actually knew how long it would take to repay the dept and with this knowledge, how many would choose differently? I believe the answer to both questions is very few. Necessity has a way of making a man reassess his priorities. The future seems further out of reach the more in debt you get.

II.

The man who opened the door wasn't the Frank I was expecting. This mans hair was streaked with gray and looked as if he had aged very quickly in a very short span of time. However, the unmistakable demanding tone in the voice assured me it was indeed Frank who I was speaking to.

He opened the door slowly at first as if expecting me to be some sort of fiend. When at last he recognized me he exclaimed "Took your time getting here Didn't ya." However he spoke so quickly that his words blended together and Didn't ya came out as "Didntcha."

This in itself was very unusual. Frank was a man who always spoke very clearly and even when he was drunk his words never slurred.

This, however, would take a backseat to the shock that I would receive next. As he opened the door, I took a glimpse inside and I swear on my father's name that you could hear a distinct click as my jaw dropped against my chest.

The entire living room was coated with what looked like a millennium of dust and decay. The furniture looked broken and termite ridden. The sofa appeared as if a moth decided to have a picnic and invited a few thousand of his friends. Long gone were the pictures which lined the walls and I swear the walls themselves looked as if sections of them were missing.

Apparently, noticing my awe struck appearance, he regarded me with a nod as he beckoned me to come inside.

III.
[I stopped here for now, expect an update in a day or so]

Leave me some feedback if you'd like. Thanks in advance.
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#6 Post by key » Mon Jul 19, 2010 2:24 am

Bit late putting up the third part of Chapter one, but it's here. I feel as though it was alright. Let me know what you think. I feel as though it came out well.

III.

Slowly and with caution I took a couple wary steps into this new territory. Disarray would not begin to describe the sheer lack of order which existed there. The atmosphere inside the room was horribly suffocating. It were as if by taking those few steps, the chemistry within my body had somehow changed; my head felt lighter and my blood thinner. I believed myself to be on the brink of feinting. However, as I felt myself being seemingly drawn from within my own body, one thought passed before my mind... I was no longer hot. To be honest I felt chilled down to my core.

Then I suddenly felt myself being forcibly moved to the side. I turned my head a few degrees to the left, to find Frank pushing me further into the house. "Move your ass, you've got work to do," he groaned as he urged further into the room.

With each step I felt as if I were losing more and more of myself. However, I felt as if my body had lost all communication with my mind. As if I were somehow stranded and unable to call for help.

My grips on reality continued to loosen. The light headed feeling from before was manifesting itself as a floating sensation now. I knew that if I were to save myself, I would have to act immediately or be lost to whatever force had taken the liberty of distorting this room.

Summoning whatever remained of my consciousness, I attempted to bridge the gap between my mind and body as Frank unknowingly or perhaps, knowingly, drove me deeper and deeper towards the center of whatever was responsible for this anomaly. Regardless of how I strained to somehow free myself of my bonds, I could not. My mind was thrown into a frenzy and I felt no longer able to gather my thoughts. For the first time in my life, I honestly believed I was finished.

The only thing left to do was gather what was left of my consciousness and bid this world a fond farewell. After which I would drive myself deeper into this madness and be lost to oblivion.

However, one thing kept tugging at the back of my mind as I slipped deeper and deeper into confusion, how was Frank able to keep his sanity all the while?

---------- End Chapter 1

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Chapter 2 - Not Here nor There
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