New Story Sample Idea(Opinions please)

Because let's face it - the Role-Playing aspect didn't exactly take off

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Demyra
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New Story Sample Idea(Opinions please)

#1 Post by Demyra » Fri Nov 27, 2009 10:58 pm

"This program, brought to you by..."

The small, black and white screen went blank briefly, as it went from one advertisement to another, and I shifted uncomfortably in the chair, leaning upright with my elbows on my legs, arms crossed-staring point blank at the dusty screen. I could barely see the silhouettes of the people on the television, or whatever mediocre product they were advertising-I was more intrigued by the small lights inside, each one a hue of basic shades of grey. Each light was formless, and monotone-but together became formed-into people, products...the details of hair, the concept of luster and dullness from several simple illuminated bulbs.

I chose this TV, a black and white television, so...primitive by modern standards, and random, because it still worked, with no 'strings' attached. All televisions were to have modernized-the old televisions, even those considerably newer than this were to have stopped being broadcast to-yet this television, in a run down trailer, in the middle of nowhere still worked with no enhancements. One has to wonder why?

I sat back, as my eyes began to water, staring into the tiny lights composing the grey images-and ran my hand over my face-stopping briefly on my thin, dry, and bleeding lips, before moving to my trimmed chin. Impatiently, I licked my lips, then my neck just below my ear-cleaning the blood and grit from the bricks that had gotten mixed in. The man who lived here, I didn't know his name-I didn't care, but his television told me enough to know that I wanted to be here. And I could imagine the visit would be worth more than a window.

Finally, the doorknob behind me began to sound off-and my ears perked to the sound of the owner's return. I heard his voice clearly behind the door, along side another one, louder-but smaller. Apparently, a child. For a moment-and only a moment, my heart sank. But I listened to the words, as the man spoke so harshly to the child.

"For fuck's sake, keep your voice down or I'll leave you with your mother tomorrow!"
"But mother doesn't talk anymore..."
"And neither should you."

It was him-Seth Daniels-the man in charge of Biotechnological Merging Industries, or BTMI. I no longer felt like waiting for the door again-as an animalistic urge took over me-I rushed to open the door for him, my tongue laying against the ridges of my teeth-bleeding as it lolled from my mouth.

I ripped the fucking door off the hinges, grinning as I stared down at the man, immobolized as he stared back up at me. He looked just like I did once upon a time-clean shaven face and dark eyes covered by pale skin, from virtually no sunlight. My stomach churned, as I looked at his balding head, and at his 'daughter', a girl maybe 10 years old, with bruises in her head-and he held her arm ferociously. As furociously as I now held his. He had enough time to look up-his eyes meeting mine, before I slung his bitch ass into his home, into his bedroom, across the trailer. As he looked up I places my boot against his chest, and lightly pressed-cracking his ribcage down. He spurted blood, but no screams, no questions-no more demands from his fucking mouth.

"Took a fucking long time to find you. 30 fucking years and you replace me?"

Where was his science now? Where was his cybernetic enhancements, or crossbreed humanity? Where was his son he malformed, and then just abandoned to die? Funny enough, he was there with him, watching him gag-choking to death on his own blood. I couldn't stop grinning as I leaned my face down to his, taking his his skull in my jaw, then crushing it.

I stood upright, and let the blood run down my throat, and licked my lips again, content with my comeuppance. Two of the fuckers were stupid enough to hide their useless cunts in trailers within 5 mile radius...I had more to go, but for now, I could savor my kill. I just wished I could fucking taste it. He was fucking dead, finally. Maybe that'd be one less nightmare...


I heard a scream, and remembered the girl-and then my heart ached again. I cursed myself briefly, for being so cruel...so animalistic. It hurt all the more that someone else sad...I wasn't sure what was wrong with me-but I knew I couldn't stay there. I ran out of the trailer, trying to avoid seeing the girl-but seeing where I'd thrown her anyway in passing-as the tv was in shambles. Which left me frustrated in itself, I'd wanted to ask him about it...
Last edited by Demyra on Thu Dec 10, 2009 7:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

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#2 Post by Demyra » Fri Nov 27, 2009 11:03 pm

ftr-I wrote this is maybe an hour-so sorry if it's sloppy...typo help isn't a bad thing for people who like nitpicking >_>

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#3 Post by Jebryath » Fri Nov 27, 2009 11:30 pm

Interesting. I'll do the typo help later.
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#4 Post by Demyra » Fri Nov 27, 2009 11:39 pm

Cool-thanks. Interesting...wow-that word makes me shaky, weirdly enough.

Interesting in an okay way? Or interesting in the way you tell someone when you mean the exact opposite essentially? D:

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#5 Post by Jebryath » Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:00 am

Interestingly violent. Not a big fan of using phrases like "bitch ass" in the midst of narrative, though - they're really more conversational.
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#6 Post by Demyra » Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:04 am

True-but I meant to do it like two different personalities-the second narration is meant to be more violent...degrading sounding...
so the first narrator is more formal, the second one more emotional and pissy.

Jekel and Hyde(sp?) concept I guess-or MPD however.>_>

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#7 Post by Demyra » Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:05 am

sorry if the violence is bothersome. Not a lot of story there yet, but it's the concept I intend to work with more or less.

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#8 Post by Jebryath » Sat Nov 28, 2009 2:40 am

The violent isn't bothersome. It's fascinating.
You're beautiful as you say the words.
The beautiful words you say.

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#9 Post by Demyra » Sat Nov 28, 2009 2:59 am

Ah, then it's a good thing \o/

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#10 Post by Kyryu » Sat Jan 02, 2010 10:05 am

I like this, the name of the book you are writing, this seems intresting,you have talent, u kind of exagerated on useless details a bit, but due to that i formed a image in my head relly easy due to the way you write, its very easy to imagine the story and how it goes, but you sould rate this book not for kids at least, is the main hero a vampire or something supernatural? Cuz its inhuman to crush a human skull in the jaw, whats going to be the name of the book???

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#11 Post by Demyra » Sat Jan 02, 2010 11:46 pm

I have a lot of useless details that helped you form a picture in your head? XD

Well, thanks for the criticism-I don't have a title for it yet, but I'll comment here when I do

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#12 Post by Ne » Sat Jan 16, 2010 9:39 pm

haven't had read anything by you lately, and I'm positively surprised
it's really nice

I like the idea of split personality

will your write more of this?
and nah, I love details, they're not useless! D: (proust fan >_>;;)
>:3

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#13 Post by Demyra » Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:28 pm

Glad you like it-and yeah, I def. will write more.

And I know the details aren't useless-I was being a smartass-he said the details were useless but helped him form a picture-but that's exactly what details are for. So I was kinda laughing>_>

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#14 Post by Ne » Tue Jan 19, 2010 10:13 pm

Sweet :D
Can't wait for more

oh :p
>:3

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#15 Post by Demyra » Mon Jul 05, 2010 10:39 pm

Okay, this is pretty much scrapped. I don't see me continuing this at all anymore.

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#16 Post by Veyron1 » Tue Jul 13, 2010 4:27 am

Wow, your writing sucks epic cock.
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#17 Post by Demyra » Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:30 pm

Well, fuck you too.

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#18 Post by key » Mon Jul 19, 2010 5:37 am

Well I thought it was pretty decent. Shame I didn't see this before.
I like the fact that it's written in a futuristic setting which really contrasts the main character who appears primal. Not just because of his violent nature but also because of other traits such as him watching an old tv. Sorta like a man placed in the wrong time. The contrast at the very least makes this interesting.
Hopefully you'll write more.
Post is that way ^

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#19 Post by Demyra » Mon Aug 02, 2010 10:50 am

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it-but I am discontinuing it for now at least. I may get back to it one day, but I doubt it.

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